What's with Love.

      Love ; A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person either in a romantic way or arising out of kinship or personal ties like a mother’s love for her children. It is the most profound emotions known to human beings. It provides a source of deep fulfillment and wash away all anguish.

     Nonetheless, in my 12 year-old life dictionary, love is when the boy you like at the back of the class smiles at you and teases you for your clumsiness. I remember vividly my very first official crush when I was in primary school in New Zealand. We were both in year 7. Having just returned from Malaysia after 3 months staying at my hometown, my English became a bit rusty and not to mention I was that chubby, frizzly haired, outdated fashion sense, and donning a ridiculously bright white spectacles ( to my mum’s insist, apparently they make me look smarter). I instantly became an awkward wallflower that no one took notice of or even bothered about. It took a serious emotional toll on me as I was the only Malay girl at the school. So, school became a tedious burden and bore the shizzles out of me.

      Nevertheless, on one very cold day in winter , I sat at my stipulated seat by the wheezing heater, keeping my head down and finishing the reading tasks , trying not to attract any unwanted attention as usual until a shadow loomed suddenly over my hunching figure. “ Oi, new girl. Where did you say you were from? I’m Owen by the way. It’s so freaking cold aye? “ a boy with that overrated Justin Bieber “flip hair” and a cute kiwi accent with a tinge of Chinese asked me. “ Eh? Umm Malaysia,” I answered with a shy smile. “ Ohh, KLCC? Man, that place is cool.” He smiled at me while flipping his hair as I have predicted before. At that very moment, the monochromatic, boring world I was trapped in burst into vibrant splash of colour. His smile was so bright yet heart-warming that it made my heart melt. Note the over cheesiness.

      As seasons and years come and go, my feelings for him became uncontainable. I felt the urge to tell other people. So, being the foolish and giddy girl I was, I spilled the top secret information to my then best friend. She was beyond ecstatic when she found out, telling me that she had already guessed my feelings for Owen. She gushed about how we’d make a cute Asian couple and that thought alone left me daydreaming for days. I remember the times when I’d hide behind this huge tree behind the basketball court, reading books while secretly watching him playing basketball and soccer with his group of popular friends. I loved hearing him laugh, it never failed to make my heart beat and bring a smile to my face.

To make things complicated, he was the school’s athlete and a Mathematics prodigy. He represented the Wellington region in basketball and he was in the advanced Mathematics classes. In short, he is basically one of the school’s golden boy with that constant flock of girls vying for his attention.

        One day, he stopped talking to me and avoided any form of eye contact or conversation with me. He did not tease me like he usually did on a daily basis. His friends would laugh or snicker at me whenever I walked past them. I felt so insecure and confused by his actions. That is until I found out what caused him to distant himself from me. My friend told him about my crush on him. She said that she was only trying to match make us. She honestly thought that my feelings were not one sided as I was the only girl he’d try to be nice to.  Knowing he did not reciprocate my feelings hurt me so much that I spent 3 days wallowing in soaked pillows and swollen eyes. Knowing that he liked a Chinese girl who goes to the private posh school 2 blocks away from our school, worsen my insecurities and self -confidence. The irony when that said girl became my best friend in high school one year later.

It has been 6 years since I last saw him or talked to him. I think I have completely recovered from that tragic heartbreak. Exaggeration intended. Since him, I have had a few crushes but none were as serious and emotionally attached as I had felt towards him. Whenever I reminisces back to my schooldays, I would laugh at myself and think how childish I was , blindingly wearing my heart on my sleeves.